Damn, forgot to update all the time. Well, here's the stuff I should have posted. It's been a year

School: Pang was a BITCH, straight up. She grades like a fuckin' retard, and I swear to the Aether that I didn't learn a damned thing from her, except for the previous sentence. Hunt was hard, but I've learned to adapt to him, except for the last assessment, when my mind just went plonk, and I FUBAR'ed

Mitchell was nice, but she graded hard, so I got a B. Trimble-nice, learned a lot, but screwed up on the final. Mr. Simon was pretty cool, and Java was fun.

We got a new teacher for RO. Cap. Cohen, who graduated from Lowell around '98, I think. He made RO a lot harder, but it was for the best. He's cool, and had a lot of fun stories to tell from his days in the Cavalry. Funny, he had to do recon in a bleedin' tank.

My next schedule is gonna be Trimble, Mitchell, RO, Pang, (FUCK) and Hunt again. The fuckin' scheduling won't let me get a VPA done. FUCK THAT REQUIREMENT.

I tell you now, the VPA requirement will screw my dreams over.

Family: Grand Aunt Mabel Kao Yee died on Thanksgiving '07, and so we went to the funeral. I didn't even know her.

Lisa's gettin' more sync'd with the corruption as I type. I taught her how to do push ups, but she's not doin em. I've got to keep her from falling into the pit that Eileena has already tripped into. BTW, she (Eileena) is emo/ghetto/goth or all of the above now. Freaky.

Life: I've been struggling with bouts of both bipolar disorder and clinical depression (I think). Anyways, I've cut up my arms, but only with my dull knife. I'm not at that level where I start using a razor, but only the spirits know that.

I've wrestled the other demon down, but I still have to keep fighting. The latest spells have helped turn the tide a bit, but it can only do so much. That's all I have to say about that.

China trip: Bleedin Awesome.


That's me with a rack of ancient Chinese pole arms. I fuckin' love the Ban Yue Dao (Half-Moon-Blade, i.e. Guan Yu's blade). I met some cool people, namely Jeffrey, who got me into bit torrent. I got movies fast now! Anyways, I felt really at home there, even though I lost my boonie in Shanghai.

What really got me depressed was the state of my Grand Aunt in Shanghai. She's a widow, living in poverty (or at least close to it), and just "waiting to die", like she said. Its sad to see how I'm living in luxury compared to her. She can barely climb the stairs! *sigh*.
All she has going now is her faith. I cheered her up some, and I hope she hangs on. Better yet, she should move to America. She has family here. But she fears being a burden. I understand.

Love:

“What is hell? I maintain that it is the suffering of being unable to love”

-Dostoyevsky

*sigh* Better save before this.

Life needs a save button. I'm fuckin' serious. I'm kicking myself for what I've done in regards to my crush. My social ineptness will kill me in the future.

I'll start from the beginning. Sometime around the beginning of November, I started getting a crush on Jane. at first I thought it was one of those temporary things, understandable because we where both platoon leaders in Bravo. But after a week or two, it didn't go away. Then I realized I had a crush. So I said "Fuck" and really tried to make it go away.

But I couldn't I just couldn't. Unlike the fifty or so crushes I've had in my life, I couldn't shake it off. Even as I type, I still can't, even though I've given up on trying to.

Then I made the most critical mistake. I told my team.

Let me clear something up right now. I love my team to death. They are brothers and sisters (and mother =P). But they can't shut up worth a damn. The moment I let slip that I was thinking of asking Jane to Brigade Ball, they wouldn't STFU about it.

So I eventually asked her. In the worst way possible. Out of the blue.

I was hoping to ask her in private, like, in a secluded place, just the two of us. I was looking for an opening for two straight weeks, but none came. Finally, I just grabbed the first chance I could with the fewest people.

And I asked her. I was so fuckin' nervous I asked in an almost comical manner. She told me she'd think about it. I thought" Good, just a chance. Better than nothing"

About a week or two later, I can't remember, I got the answer. It was a no. She said she wanted to go with her DC friends. I sighed inside, but outside, I said "It's cool, I understand".

You know what really sucks? When she asked Rachanna for advice on the thing, she said that she was seriously considering the "yes" option. Now, I don't blame Rachanna for the no, I seriously don't. But this little info almost killed me. I felt like I really had a good shot at this, and I blew it.

Well, I helped Kiana out by sponsoring her friend. Now she owes me a favor. Better keep it until I need it.

So, the person I was sponsoring, her name was Allison. Nice girl, had a distinctive blue bang. We first met during Arena.

Brigade Ball: So, I picked out my clothes (which looked like SHIT, but then again, I'm not fond of "formal" dress-note the quotations, because I abhor Westernization of the world.). Wayland, his girlfriend Melissa (yes, the eccentric one from Aim High), Jason, and Rachanna all met up at my place, and John gave us a ride.

The ride was like any other. I was the roastee, and it was a frickin' all-you-can-flame buffet. Sure I can shrug it off, but its not like its easy.

So, we went, we waited in the car (Michael joined us later on, he was going with Rachanna for the discount), and then we went in. After Allison and I got in, we parted-I went with Phelan and Wayland, she with Kiana and the other girls.

I felt extremely out of place there. Maybe it was the fact that I get really somber at night, or it was because of the hip-hop/rap that was blaring out, I dunno. The fact remains that I was not really into it until the rock started coming.

So, Cap brought his camera, and got a good photo of the rest of the Raiders hoisting me up a la Rock Concert style. Oh, and before I forget.

CONNIE WAS IN A SHORT RED DRESS. WITH A PURSE. AND SHE FREAKED WITH EDWARD!!!!!!!11!!!1!!!!!!!!ONE!!!!!!!!!1111!!!111ONE!!!111111111

Yep, pretty surprising to warrant the blatant absence of proper English.

So, I rocked out to the three rock songs they played (compared to about 20 hip-hop ones). The funniest moment was when they poisted me up and carried me around. They almost dropped me, but fortunately for my skull, Jesper caught me at the last moment. Yes, the Jesper from Jefferson. I "sombered" up for the hip hop songs, and for three of the slow ones. I really wish they had some Gorillaz or techno, but then again, I guess modern day culture eschews such tastes. Et chu' ta, I say. Fuck 'em.

Well, enough with the zig-zagging, here's the part that I was saving for last.

During the first slow song, I was weaving through the mass of people a la Altair style, looking for Jane to ask her to dance with me. Well, Rachanna and Jason set me and her up, and got us to dance together. Well, this was the beginning of the end. I didn't shut up, I didn't hold her close, I didn't do ANYTHING proper for the slow dance. I'm still cuttin' myself up for this (both metaphorically and literally) God-fuckin'-damnit.

The second time, Joey came up to me when I was talking to Wayland, and told me someone wanted to talk with me. I thought "What the?" and I followed him. This led me to Steven and Rachanna, who had dragged me into yet another setup. This time, I also made the same mistakes.

Let me say right now that I was not aware of the mistakes until the car ride home, when Jason corrected me.

Oh, before I go on any further, I'd like to point out that she(Jane) looked really nice at Ball. She had let her hair down and waved it. Damn. I couldn't help but be nervous, especially considering my natural shyness.

Well, during the third slow song, I finally managed to ask her to dance with me, but she said that she wanted to rest for a bit, so I said "Cool" and walked over to the edge of the dance floor, and leaned against a pillar.

Wayland and Melissa tried to drag me into the dance, but I really wasn't feeling into it. If either of you guys are reading this, I was fuckin' serious about not wanting to dance. You two should have recognized that.

So, for the next slow songs, and for all the songs afterwards in general (except for the one rock song) I stayed back, somber and slightly depressed. Phelan was also very somber, but I know not why.

So, the time flew. We took our Battalion picture, and I sat and waited. The last slow song, I went looking for Jane to ask her for one final dance, but when I saw her enjoying the time with her DC comrades, I decided against it. I didn't want to interrupt their enjoyment. But I did dance with Allison, who asked me to dance. I strongly suspect I was set up again. I am sick and tired of that.

So, we left. I managed to secure rides for Mick and Allison, as well as those who had come with me.

When I got home, I crashed and burned. I was tired, both emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Emotionally because of all the setups and the dancing with Jane, physically because the dance lasted until midnight and I got home at 2, and spiritually because I had been wrestling with that demon for the entire night, having to meditate every hour to keep it pinned down.

Well, that's that. I've gotten it out of my system. Why I have now is something that should being in a soap opera or something like The O.C. (even though I've never even watched that show). When I was walking around at Brigade ball, I was thinking this, and what I have here is more or less what I was thinking.

He who expects nothing will always be happy. That's like tonight. I expected something, and that's why I'm unhappy. But the important thing is, I've finally found peace. You start to realize that its the inner beauty that matters, not the ugly shell of a human. Its taken this one person to make me see with both eyes, to see this.

For that one moment in time, I felt Nirvana. I felt peace in destruction. Then, it was lost to me.

That's all I have to say for now.

This is Mac, signing off. Live Long and Prosper, friends.